Why the Best Job Search Conversations Don’t Start With an Ask

Networking is one of the most common pieces of job-search advice — and one of the easiest to misunderstand.

A job seeker identifies someone at a target company, sends a connection request, and quickly asks for information, an introduction, a referral, or help getting their résumé in front of the right person.

There is nothing inherently wrong with asking for help. But when every new professional relationship begins with a request, networking can become transactional before a relationship has even had a chance to form.

A different approach is to ask a less obvious question first:

What can I contribute to this interaction before asking for something from it?

Networking Is More Than Access

The importance of professional networks in career mobility is well established.

Mark Granovetter’s classic research on the “strength of weak ties” showed why acquaintances can be particularly valuable: they often connect us to information and social circles outside our immediate networks. More recently, a large-scale study published in Science, based on experiments involving more than 20 million LinkedIn users, provided causal evidence that weaker ties can increase job mobility - although the relationship is not simply “the weaker, the better.” Moderately weak ties were particularly valuable in several contexts.

But having access to a network is not the same as having relationships within it.

Research on social capital also suggests that value can emerge from acting as a bridge between people and groups. Ronald Burt’s work on “structural holes,” for example, found advantages for people positioned between otherwise disconnected groups because they gain access to different information, perspectives and opportunities.

In other words, effective networking is not only about who can open a door for you. It can also be about the role you play within the network itself.

The Problem With Starting With the Ask

There is another reason to rethink highly transactional networking.

Research by Tiziana Casciaro, Francesca Gino and Maryam Kouchaki found that professional networking undertaken primarily for instrumental reasons can create feelings of moral discomfort or “dirtiness.” Their findings suggest an important distinction between building genuine professional relationships and approaching people primarily because of what they might provide.

This does not mean job seekers should never ask for introductions or referrals. Those requests are normal parts of professional networks.

The problem is the sequence and context.

If your first meaningful interaction with someone is essentially “Can you help me get a job?”, the other person has little information about you beyond your need.

A relationship that already contains some exchange — ideas, knowledge, introductions, feedback, or useful information — has a very different foundation.

Reciprocity research helps explain why. Fehr and Gächter describe reciprocity as an important force shaping cooperation and social interaction. Research by Grant and Gino similarly found that expressions of appreciation can increase subsequent prosocial behavior partly by strengthening feelings of social worth.

The lesson is not to give something because it will psychologically “force” another person to return the favor. That would simply turn generosity into another networking tactic.

The more useful principle is simpler: relationships work differently when both people can contribute something.

You Don’t Need Power to Provide Value

This is where many job seekers get stuck.

“What could I possibly give someone who is already a senior manager, recruiter or industry expert?”

More than you might think.

Value does not have to mean influence, money, or access to a job. It can be information.

Perhaps you read an industry report that relates directly to something they posted. You can share it.

Perhaps two people in your network would benefit from knowing each other. You can introduce them.

Perhaps someone publishes a thoughtful LinkedIn post. Instead of writing “Great post,” you can contribute an observation, example, or question that moves the discussion forward.

Perhaps you attended an event, tested a tool, researched a market or learned something relevant to their work. You can share the insight without immediately attaching a request to it.

This is particularly relevant on LinkedIn because professional relationships can develop through repeated lightweight interactions rather than a single cold message. The platform makes it possible to become familiar through useful comments, conversations, and shared professional interests before a request ever appears.

Give First - But Don’t Turn It Into a Trick

There is an important caveat.

“Give before you ask” should not become:

Give → wait → collect the favor.

That is still transactional networking with an extra step.

Nor should job seekers spend weeks manufacturing artificial interactions before eventually revealing that they wanted an introduction all along.

Sometimes a direct request is perfectly appropriate. If a former colleague knows your work well and you see a relevant opening at their company, asking for a referral may be completely reasonable.

The point is not that every ask must be “earned.”

The point is to stop viewing every professional relationship primarily through the question:

What can this person do for me?

A stronger network is built when another question becomes equally natural:

What can I bring to this relationship?

A Practical Exercise for Your Job Search

Take ten people you would genuinely like to build a professional relationship with. Before sending any message, create three columns:

Person | What matters to them | What could I contribute?

Then identify one small, genuine action for each person.

It could be sharing relevant information, making an introduction, contributing intelligently to something they published, offering a useful perspective, or simply starting a conversation around a shared professional interest.

Do not immediately follow every interaction with a request.

The goal is not to create ten people who “owe” you something. It is to start building ten actual professional relationships.

When you eventually do need advice, information, or an introduction, you are no longer necessarily approaching a stranger.

You are continuing a conversation.

How I Help Job Seekers Build a More Strategic Search

In my career consulting work, I help job seekers move beyond relying primarily on applications and build a more deliberate job-search strategy.

That includes defining positioning and target roles, improving LinkedIn and résumé messaging, identifying relevant companies and decision-makers, and developing a networking approach that feels professional rather than transactional.

The objective is not to collect as many connections as possible. It is to create a search in which your positioning, activity and relationships work together — so that more opportunities can come from conversations, not only applications.

Final Thought

Job searching naturally puts candidates in a position of wanting something: an interview, information, a referral or an opportunity.

That makes it surprisingly easy to approach every new professional connection by asking:

“How can this person help me?”

Professional networks become much more interesting when we occasionally reverse the question.

“How can I be useful here?”

Sometimes the strongest networking move is not making a better ask.

It is having something worth giving first.

References

Burt, R. S. (2004). Structural holes and good ideas. American Journal of Sociology, 110(2), 349–399.

Casciaro, T., Gino, F., & Kouchaki, M. (2014). The contaminating effects of building instrumental ties: How networking can make us feel dirty. Administrative Science Quarterly, 59(4), 705–735.

Fehr, E., & Gächter, S. (2000). Fairness and retaliation: The economics of reciprocity. Journal of Economic Perspectives, 14(3), 159–181.

Grant, A. M., & Gino, F. (2010). A little thanks goes a long way: Explaining why gratitude expressions motivate prosocial behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(6), 946–955.

Granovetter, M. S. (1973). The strength of weak ties. American Journal of Sociology, 78(6), 1360–1380.

Rajkumar, K., Saint-Jacques, G., Bojinov, I., Brynjolfsson, E., & Aral, S. (2022). A causal test of the strength of weak ties. Science, 377(6612), 1304–1310.