Not All Feedback is Constructive: Spotting Harmful Communication in the Workplace

Feedback is a powerful developmental tool. When done correctly, it can drive growth, enhance performance, and foster stronger relationships. But not all feedback is offered with your best interest in mind. Some of it is veiled criticism, subtle control, or a tool to reinforce hierarchy and conformity. And often, it’s not about your performance at all, but about power.

If you've ever walked away from a feedback session feeling confused, demoralized, or small, you're not alone. Research in organizational psychology indicates that the delivery, intention, and context of feedback significantly influence how it's perceived and whether it leads to improvement (Ilgen, Fisher, & Taylor, 1979; Ashford & Cummings, 1983).

Here are six common toxic phrases that often disguise themselves as "helpful" feedback, along with how to spot them and respond in a way that protects your growth and agency.

1. "It’s Not Just You-Everyone Feels This Way…”

The illusion of consensus.

This statement uses imagined group opinion as a weapon. It's a tactic of pluralistic ignorance, where one person implies a crowd agrees with them to isolate or pressure you.

What to do: Ask for direct, concrete examples. “Can you tell me exactly what was said, by whom, and in what context?” This can reveal whether the concern is genuine or manufactured (Janis, 1982).

2. “You Don’t Quite Fit In Here”

Code for exclusion.

This phrase often masks unconscious bias or resistance to diversity. Instead of addressing performance or behavior, it targets identity or style under the guise of organizational norms.

What to do: Request clarity. “Can you give me examples of behaviors that misalign with our values or impact team dynamics?” This shifts the conversation from subjective impression to observable facts (Ravasi & Schultz, 2006).

3. “Real Dedication Would Look Like…”

Guilt as manipulation.

This tactic blurs the boundary between professional performance and personal devotion. It frames healthy boundaries as a lack of dedication, leveraging shame to increase compliance.

What to do: Reframe the discussion. “Let’s focus on what success looks like for this role. Am I meeting those benchmarks?” Bringing the conversation back to deliverables helps maintain clarity and self-respect (Brown, 2018).

4. “Don’t Take This Personally…”

A license for disrespect.

This common preface is often followed by something very personal. It attempts to protect the speaker while disregarding the emotional impact on the listener.

What to do: Stay calm and ask, “What specific issue are you trying to address?” This grounds the conversation in behavior, rather than character (Stone, Patton, & Heen, 2010).

5. “You’re Doing Well... For Now”

The compliment that cages you.

This phrase minimizes growth by creating ceilings based on status or experience. It often reinforces hierarchy more than it encourages development.

What to do: Respond with curiosity. “Thanks. What would excellent performance look like regardless of level?” This invites aspirational standards and counters implicit bias (London & Smither, 2002).

6. “This Is What’s Best for You”

Control disguised as care.

Presented as a concern, this phrase is often used to justify actions that benefit the system more than the individual. It’s patronizing and silences dissent.

What to do: Redirect. “Can you show me how this supports my goals or professional growth?” This highlights the importance of developmental alignment, rather than just organizational control (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

Feedback vs. Gaslighting: Know the Difference

Accurate feedback is anchored in respect, clarity, and growth. When those are missing, even well-intentioned remarks can become harmful. Toxic feedback isn't always loud or overt—it’s often cloaked in language that sounds professional but feels off.

As Brene Brown (2018) notes, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” You deserve feedback that helps you grow, not shrink.

Protecting yourself from damaging communication isn’t about being defensive—it’s about being discerning.

References

• Ashford, S. J., & Cummings, L. L. (1983). Feedback as an individual resource: Personal strategies of creating information. Organizational Behavior and Human Performance, 32(3), 370–398. https://doi.org/10.1016/0030-5073(83)90156-3

• Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead: Brave work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts. Random House.

• Ilgen, D. R., Fisher, C. D., & Taylor, M. S. (1979). Consequences of individual feedback on behavior in organizations. Journal of Applied Psychology, 64(4), 349–371. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-9010.64.4.349

• Janis, I. L. (1982). Groupthink: Psychological studies of policy decisions and fiascoes (2nd ed.). Houghton Mifflin.

• London, M., & Smither, J. W. (2002). Feedback orientation, feedback culture, and the longitudinal performance management process. Human Resource Management Review, 12(1), 81–100. https://doi.org/10.1016/S1053-4822(01)00043-2

• Ravasi, D., & Schultz, M. (2006). Responding to organizational identity threats: Exploring the role of organizational culture. Academy of Management Journal, 49(3), 433–458. https://doi.org/10.5465/amj.2006.21794663

• Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68

• Stone, D., Patton, B., & Heen, S. (2010). Difficult conversations: How to discuss what matters most (2nd ed.). Penguin Books.